Unanswered

If you had gotten past that lethal patch of life,

moved through it to reach the other side,

Who would you have become?

If you had lived to manifest the full measure

of your talents, contributing all your gifts,

What lives would you have touched?

If that day had ended with more resolve than anger,
and your determination to buck life trends by living,

What could you have accomplished?

If those speaking at the memorial service had
stayed in touch and called you on that day,

Would you have gone to visit them instead?

If I had stopped you on your way out the door,

professed unyielding support and belief in you,

Would you have greeted me that evening wanting to talk?

If your father had faced his demons upright
and strong, showing you endurance by example,

Would you have held on to belief in the future?

If I had listened to you with respect and reverence,

sought your guidance, demonstrated high regard,

Would you have survived withering doubt?

If at the moment of your decision you envisioned

me handcuffed, forehead smashing into the car,

Would you have stepped down from that stool?

If you had foreseen the bleeding, terminal

wound your departure would rip open,

Would you have chosen death anyway?

Forever,

Your Mother
1/21/10

Visitation

The other evening, Justin made a nocturnal visit to his father and it made all the difference in the world. He visited him in a dream at a time when his dad was struggling with doing the right thing. And his influence moved his dad to overcome fear, facilitated enlightened action and supported him in facing one of his most difficult demons. In this instance, Justin’s visitation helped his dad overcome the pride, anger and resentment that continue to threaten, allowing him to marshal the strength to take a step he was resisting and would otherwise not have taken. It was a crucial step moving our family further on a path towards healing, even in the awful void of missing him. And while I continue to wish for my own personal message from Justin; my time to feel his presence with me, I am content to know he took this time with his father and I feel more than ever that he is O.K., that he has found the peace he wants for us, and that he is watching.

Another Year

Another year of missing you ..... of you not being here ...... of not hearing your voice on the other end of the phone, or sitting in your company during holiday visits home. This missing you will never end, I think; no matter how long I live.