I was recently a part of the cast of Atlanta's 2010 Vagina Monologues production. It was another affirming, cathartic experience but it seems right now like it was a hundred years ago. I need something to feed my soul on an on-going basis. If not, I succumb to the most awful, pervasive feeling of empty grief. Finding that next thing to engage my attention and energy is the difficult thing. Since the VM show, I feel like I've returned to that desire to just go home from work and take to the bed for the rest of the evening. That was my pattern in the many months following Justin's death. Even with the impending birth of my first grandchild I am caught in a thick malaise and think about Justin’s absence nearly every minute of the day. I know I have to somehow combine my focus on Justin with some project that engages my creative energy. While its barely paying the bills, the work I'm doing right now is void of satisfaction, so I've got to make this connection in some other area of my life. One good thing is my involvement in the VM production helped me crystallize my idea for the production I envision that’s now titled "The Spoken Word Project: Suicide Survivor Stories." I want this dramatic piece to have a similar format to the VM production we did a little over a week ago. The seven actresses who participated were seated in different places on a multi-level stage. At different points we stood and came forward slightly to deliver our lines/monologues and at other times we shared what were typically shorter lines while seated, sometimes in unison. It made for a dynamic presentation that had a lot of energy and visual interest and seemed equally suitable for the comic and dramatic parts of the show.
If a small group of six to seven performers (all parents of suicides) could be staged in this way to deliver lines, poems and monologues on the topic, I think it could be a very powerful piece that educates the audience about suicide and brings the people our children were to life at the same time. I've already composed a draft script, but it focuses solely on Justin and my struggles as a survivor. Ultimately, my goal is to incorporate the diverse voices of five to six others to create an illuminating, moving and at times, tenderly funny theater experience. In addition to line and monologue delivery by the stage performers, I envision a large screened backdrop with an audio visual presentation synchronized with the live performance. This feature would include pictures/video of our children, facts about suicide and other visual imagery along with appropriate music (songs and instrumentals).
Now my challenge is to pull together an updated script template based on these ideas sufficient to attract other parents who might like to participate and can visualize the goals of such a piece. Rather than make it a requirement to memorize all the lines, it should initially be performed as a reading theater like the early VM performances. While the written material and performances must be worthy of a dramatic theater piece, it is most important that the production be an authentic expression of real parents who are going through this awful tragedy. This vision is so clear to me now, but it all feels so awesome. Achieving this will require me to be part script writer, part talent recruiter, part director, and part collaborator with other creative parents in shaping this project. That’s not even including the promotional aspect of getting venues to present the piece. Yet I know this is what I want to/need to do. It’s a key activity to help me with the on-going challenge of retaining my sanity and to move forward in this life-long grief journey. Unfortunately, the bed-ridden malaise has been calling a lot lately, making productive activity a trial. I must try to pull it together and marshal a self generated burst of energy to make this creative vision happen. It's a struggle right now. Please wish me encouragement and luck. And please, pray for me.
