As of June 30, 2011, it has been five years since you left. And at approximately 7:30 a.m. on July 1st, it will be five years since I found you hanging from the back deck. This vision is seared in my mind, in my soul, like a thousand degree burn. It has broken me. I don't hope for anything triumphant in my life. There are no triumphs left, just the observation of others' ups and downs. When beauty visits others, I am happy sometimes, even joyous for them. But it is beauty appreciated at a distance from my life; One that is irrevocably scared ..... disfigured beyond fixing. Just days of doing things, moving through events until it stops someday. Strangely, and totally beyond my understanding, losing you didn't kill me. It just deadened my soul. Made whatever follows superfluous, useless and unnecessary. The passage of five years hasn't changed this underlying reality for me. That's not a surprise really. I never thought that it would. My only hope is that I can find a way to honor you. I think succeeding in this is the only way to make the rest of my time matter.
Forever, Your Mother
