Under A Weepy Black Fog

I don't know why this is happening now. I have felt awful for the last couple of days. Drawn back to the constant malaise I felt in the first couple of years after losing Justin. I'm feeling pretty crappy and am experiencing spontaneous crying spells. It's like a spiritual flu. I don't know if it's nervousness over my upcoming performance in the play that's adding the straw that's breaking me; Or the knowledge that Donnell is drinking again; Or the prolonged insecurity about the status of my mortgage. These all seem like small things compared to a life time without ever seeing my son again. His decision took so much from me. I don't think I can overcome all this. When it's finally all said and done, I will be glad. I may be coming to the same conclusion Justin did. That cessation of life is the only path to genuine peace and release. I think I lack his courage of convictions however. Part of me thinks this mood may be neuro-chemical. It's too sudden and sharp to be a response to environmental pressures, most of which I've been living with for years. I need to get past this. This is nearly intolerable.