What I'm Coming To Know

This is the first time since Justin's death that I've made a foray into drama and stage performance. I've been rehearsing for a production of “The Vagina Monologues” since early February. The performances are set for March 25th, 26th and 27th. This has been both challenging and invigorating for me at the same time, and along with my presentation at the NOPCAS conference two weeks ago it has helped me to know this. If I am to survive the tragedy of losing Justin, I must find a way to latch on and re-engage life in ways that matter and revitalize me. I believe one of the ways I can engage in what matters involves this cause of suicide awareness and prevention and my desire to commemorate Justin. Among the things I can do to renew and revitalize my life are writing and the dramatic arts. While other survivors have become activist in the area of suicide prevention, my way to do something that matters must somehow include writing and drama.

Of course, There are varying methods to bring attention to critical social issues and I'm coming to understand my way involves a blending of the written and spoken word into some kind of presentation that brings awareness of this issue to the broader community. It’s clear that brining this idea to fruition will not be easy. It will take all my creative abilities to make it happen. By creative abilities, I'm not referring to the creation of the written or spoken words themselves. I have already proved to myself I can do that. In this context, I'm referring to the ability to take a concept or idea and turn it into reality. The ability to create life experience in a self-actualized way rather than just letting life happen. I'm afraid I haven’t mastered this type of creative process. Yet this is what I must do to achieve the goal of a spoken word project that is seen by the public and spreads awareness of this awful, growing tragedy. Brining this vision to reality must be my goal. On a larger scale, the challenge is to be able to intentionally shape one's life; To be capable of growing mere ideas or concepts into being. That, I think, is the ultimate creative process. It is the God in us.

I believe Justin respected this ability above all others. He wanted us to create the lives we wanted for ourselves, and longed to be able to give this life to us, even if we were unable to do so. This ended up being much too much weight on his young shoulders. He could not carry us all there. But I believe with all my heart, if I could summon the creative power and energy to reconstruct my life to a self-actualized state, somehow Justin would know, and he would be oh, so proud