Crying While Driving

Things started out badly this morning. All of a sudden, at about 7:00 a.m.on the way to work, I collapsed into tears while driving. Sounds pretty dangerous in retrospect. But at the time the potential danger to traffic was the furthest thing from my mind. I was overwhelmed with regret and guilt. And the re-recognition of how I let you slip through my fingers that day was more than I could handle without a thinly controlled implosion. How I let my frustration with the rest of my life prevent me from giving you my full attention is reprehensible to me. Clearly you needed it. And while I have no illusions about being God, I believe my full attention would have made a difference. At least it could have made a difference on that day, and that day might have been all you needed to have a life time. I don't know when or if there will ever be a point I feel some permanent peace; not as long as I live with this understanding. No matter what happens in the future, I don't think I'm going to get past this. In some ways, I hope I'm wrong about that. In another way, I feel its appropriate penance for such grievous negligence. There may never be total peace. There may never be any rest. There may forever be bouts of crying while driving.