Reflections From Last Evening

It's been more than three years since you left us. But last night, I had an intense feeling of missing you, and I cried. It was an overwhelming moment, as it typically is. I saw you in mind's eye clearly and felt your presence. I imagined you looking down at your own child, a child you never had. And you had the most focused and poignant expression on your face; A serious look of intense love and caring. I know that's the kind of father you would have been. 

I've tried to connect with you in my dreams since we lost you. And while you came to your father with regularity, you wouldn't come to me. It was frustrating. You had to know how much I needed to see you .... to talk to you. Then, about 3 months ago I woke recalling a dream of you. But you were not a tall, muscular 24 year old young man. You were the beautiful baby boy I remembered.  So far, this is the only way you've come to me clearly.

When I Dream of You

I've needed to see you again.

Struggled to rematerialize you in my dreams.

Raise you to real presence;

Strong, Willful and Physical as you were.

But your visitations eluded me.

And waking from black restless sleep yielded nothing,

No visions, no feeling, no rendering, no trace.

When you finally came to me,

held in memory past the boarder of sleep,

you were your child self.

Trusting, Beautiful and Open.

Reintroducing us to original innocence.

Inviting me to hoist you on my hip,

kiss your forehead.

Your dimpled toddler hand grabs my hair.

Your laugh is Pure and Gleeful.

And in my dream, you smile at me with

settled, knowing eyes,

as if granting us the chance to start over.

Forever,

Your Mother

11/5/09